It is true that everyone has a past. When we get married, we also take the package with its baggage. Thus, more and more people automatically become step parents from wedding day - step parents of children that are disclosed and children that are undisclosed.
Deception and lies have become part of today’s relationships so much that many spouses are shocked of things they discover during the course of the marriage.
My point in this article is the following - no matter what the surprise is, and how much shock there is, as a God fearing people, we have an obligation to honour God.
How do we honour God in such a complex complicated situation?
Before answering this question, lets get the terminology right.
A “baby mama” (also baby-mama and baby-mother) is a mother who is not married to her child's father, although the term is often infused with other meanings as well – See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_mama
“Drama” is also a word which means a constant cause of interpersonal conflict - see http://onlineslangdictionary.com/meaning-definition-of/drama)
“Baby Mama Drama” is therefore an expression used to refer to the interpersonal conflict caused by a woman who is not married to your husband, but has a child with him.
This interpersonal conflict can include -
- Refusal of access to the child (Child Alienation)
- Continuous and mounting demands for financial support (Maintenance) of the child,
- Abuse or non-disclosure of how the paid maintenance money is used
- Exchange of swear words and pure contempt, mixed with revenge.
- Pure violence, followed by attendance of domestic violence court because of the conflict.
- False accusations e.g. that you broke the baby mama’s home
- Bad naming and Bad rumors
- Emotionally and psychologically tormenting questions whether the love of your life still sleeping with the baby mama.
- Thoughts of suicide on the part of your husband
- The Baby Mama’s life is out of control and she involves you
- The dumping of the said child/ren at the door step of your home or the workplace of your husband.
- Refusal by the baby mama to give information about the child’s development, health issues and school progress.
This is an article for people who have this problem but have willingness to allow God to intercept and also for people who see that this problem is crouching at their door step, desiring to overpower you, but they want to rule over it – (words of Gen 4:7).
The difficulties brought by a Baby Mama spring from other difficulties i.e. a relationship that did not work or an infidelity that persists.
The above mentioned problems call upon the “Real Christian You” because the fake you will be in the flesh most of the time.
I honour all husbands who disclosed at the beginning of the love affair that they have a child/ren with another woman. Everything else, other than honesty, openness and transparency from the beginning is founded on deception and lies.
To accept a child disclosed before the affair starts maybe much easier than to accept a child who came out of infidelity during marriage. It is even more difficult to deal with the drama brought by the enemy of your marriage – the baby mama - because you still have to protect what you have.
I am departing from a premise that you fear God and you will not take the Law into your own hands. I am also hopeful that you are more inclined to please God than to revenge. Hebrews 12:14 says “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” Unfortunately, the word “everyone” in that verse includes the Baby Mama who may have cheated on you with your husband.
Even if we may not like it, here is the truth –
You are related to the child born of your husband.
The child born of infidelity is innocent.
Your own children are related to the child born of the infidelity.
These truths are not an endorsement/ approval of the immorality of adultery and infidelity.
Here are the tips on how to honour God in this situation –
Pray - You will need to be strong. You need self-control. You need a sound mind.
Talk to your husband and appoint a mentor who will be able to mediate your differences and conflicts with regard to the Baby Mama Drama.
Establish boundaries and Involve the authorities if you have to – do not let the Baby Mama get under your skin. Treat her with respect and be “the You” that is described in the Word of God – i.e. the righteous and holy you. Treat her with respect but if she crosses the line and shows you an intention to continue causing dents to your marriage, you should accordingly involve the Law and Authorities. If need be, have a strong Family Law Lawyer to advise you and deal with the Baby Mama’s unbecoming manners.
Love!!! – you are obliged to love, even your enemies. Luke 6:27 says Love your enemies, and do good to those who hate you. Agape is the God kind of love which enables us to love the unlovable. This may include your husband, but it surely includes the hostile Baby Mama.
Do not allow the Baby Mama to take away your peace and ultimately steal your salvation. Don’t!!!!